Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
